Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be huge. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully from put. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")

As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have An additional location where American Guys can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: present All people a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In line with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is delicate electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he really should stop using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from space, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental groups have Trump Tower Damascus filed lawsuits right after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It is not just unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Attributes

Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They can Come"

The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Endlessly."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will likely incorporate:

A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait around to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have change-down provider."

A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."